justincase.

2009-04-29T19:32:03Z

honestdrinking
i always need to post twice that i've moved. ♥
(if you don't want to be friends, just continue to ignore me. i promise i'll un-add you soon.)

things.

2008-09-17T23:47:37Z

and right now music fangirling, poetic nothings and self-deprecation will not suffice. i need to explain a few things.
but.
feel free to skip this?
and if you don't, even if you don't comment, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, OMGZ.

i think everyone who reads this knows that my parents are separated, because i'm always saying "mommy's house" & "daddy's house".
you may also have noticed that mommy doesn't have a house right now. financially, we're in a very desperate situation at the moment. i would lovelovelove to get a job and help but i can't because
a) i'd have no way to get there.
& b) my siblings & i are now a part of K12's SC Virtual Charter School, and since my mom is working at least twelve hours a day, six days a week, and my dad is irresponsible, anti-school, anti-social and a douchebag, i'm in charge of schooltime. everyone has about six hours worth of work per day, and Kai & Mani need someone to sit with them through at least half of their lessons.
which means that i don't have time for a job because i'm already a teacher & a student. just not getting paid for it.
kjhfdkljhlsakdilujdfildskjsdkjskghkjs.

mommy and daddy broke up, like, ten years ago.
and daddy's still not over it.
because, according to him, he never did anything wrong.
he's honestly perfect and mommy left for no reason.
this is obviously not true because
a) no one is perfect.
b) he has serious flaws. they're not even flaws, they're psychological problems, and i believe he really needs help.
they broke up because he's anti-social, controlling and selfish.
she had a mild heartattack in the house and he left her on the floor.
when she went to into labor fifteen years ago, about to have Micah, he wouldn't take her to the hospital because he wanted to deliver the baby.
but he has no medical experience.
she ended up having him in the car. i remember because i was in the backseat. and then he still didn't take her to the hospital.
(also, they were really young when they married. i think they should have waited a few more years. their religion was the main thing keeping them together, and when they left it, they fell apart.)
he hates mommy more than he loves my brothers, my sister and me.

see, my youngest brother, Mani, has a different father. his name is Emile, but Micah, Kai & i have always called him Angel.
mommy met Angel just after daddy and her broke up.
for whatever reason, daddy accepts Mani as if he's really his father. which is a very good thing, because Angel = ten times worse than my dad, in that he doesn't even try.
mommy and Angel broke up because Angel was physically abusive, and then he started using crack.
he actually kidnapped my mom for a few days and sexually molested me, among other things.
so after that we ended up in a shelter for battered women.
and my dad? befriends him.
to hurt mommy, of course.

two years later, my mom moves in with this guy, Big John (because we called his son Little John, lolz).
who was even worse than Angel, in that he was an altogether terrible person.
he broke my mom's tail bone, he threw me out of a chair, he shook Mani, he punched his own son, among many, many other things.
he was the reason i almost killed myself two or three times.
he was the reason i ran away from home.
he was the reason i started starving myself (because i was too scared of pain to actually cut myself).
it took me about two years to get over the one year we lived with him.
finally, we get rid of him. he goes to jail and then he moves back to California.
and my dad? befriends him, too.

now, just a month ago, we moved in with some friends of mommy's, Greta & Harvey & their two daughters.
i mentioned that much.
the charter school my siblings & i are enrolled in sent us computers and printers and things, because the whole thing is online.
Greta ended up stealing the computers & accessories.
she told my mom that she took them to a pawn shop, and got $200 for it all, to try to pay her $1,000 electricity bill (which we had nothing to do with, anyway).
which isn't likely because, not only did the bill remain unpaid, but those things were worth about $2,000, and they were brand new.
the night she stole the computers, she got drunk and locked my mom out of the house for a while.
needless to say, we left.
and my dad might be befriending her, too.
Greta told daddy that she has no idea what happened to the computers.
and, of course, he'll believe her before he believes me.

daddy refuses to even talk to mommy, and has for the past few years.
a few weeks ago she came over here to help us with schoolwork, and he later told me "i'm going to have to get a restraining order on her."
wtf?

mommy is one of the nicest people alive.
i mentioned before that she has leukemia (and, like three thousand other serious health issues).
she's in remission now.
the reason we moved from the trailer we've been living in for the last two years or so is that the landlady = shit.
all of the piping in the house needs to be redone, which she refuses to do. meanwhile there is so much mold growing in the house, that everyone was getting a little sickly whenever we stayed there. except mommy, who always had to go to the hospital afterwards.
the electricity in half of the house randomly shuts off.
and almost everyone who lives in that area is stupid, nosy and/or racist.
so we left about two months ago.
the landlady is still emailing my mom, telling here we still need to clean the house and pay the last two months' rent.
fucking no.
so mommy just got a job that she loves and that will pay really well in a few weeks.
we just have to hold on until then.
right now, she's working forever, and we're staying with nanna in an apartment for seniors. which is only good because it's downtown and i'm enjoying city life.

Carousel is still back at the old house. neighbors are feeding her.
i saw her for the first time in forever last Friday night, and her fur is so thick and awesome and she's pregnant and as precious as ever.
i miss her to death.
i don't know if anyone remembers Alshuro and Brownie Cocoa, my dogs.
but daddy got rid of them last week.
he says he called an animal shelter.
but the few times i've been in touch with animal shelters (when we found a baby pigeon & when we found a baby flying squirrel, etc), they said we'd have to bring the animals to them.
so, i'm really scared they're in a terrible place.
we were kind of bad dog owners, but i want to get them back and make it better, because i love them.

on top of all of these horrid things my daddy has done, are the little things.
like telling me my feelings aren't important.
like ignoring me.
like insisting he knows me better than i know myself.

beyond all of this, i feel very old in a nice way. and i'm generally happier than i've been at any point during the last ten or eleven years.
because, as much as it pains me to say it this way, i know who i am and i know where i'm going.

so, when i say as soon as mommy gets a home and i get a job, i'm not interested in seeing my dad ever again i fucking mean it.
for the last two years or so, i've only been coming here because he's my source of money and transportation, but i'm old enough to change that now, and i will.

i hate him.

but beyond all of that, i kind of love my life right now.
i'm awesome. music's awesome. Michael's awesome. the sky was grey all day today. autumn's coming.
ljdlkslklkjalkhslklkjhal;ha;lhfl.

♥

"your mouth is open wide, the lover is inside, & all the tumult's done, collided with the sun."

2007-10-22T02:08:40Z

friends only.
please.
unless you seem spectacularly awesome or i already know you, i will not add you back if you don't comment here.
just say hi.
♥

oh, tell me you can see me.

justincase.

things.

"your mouth is open wide, the lover is inside, & all the tumult's done, collided with the sun."